Because Ranting-on never moved anyone forward I’m going to write. This week is scatterbrain week. The moments before I shut my eyes at night is when a ball of bickering bees decides to bang at my already bulldozed brain and for about an hour an a half, I lay there staring into the thick blackness trying to hear for the queen bee. But is all just one big buzz.
You’d think that by now I would have gotten over the fact that I am a drama teacher, right? WRONG! As I read my students journals that I have made them hand in once a week, I’m overwhelmed with the trust that they have placed in me. Their desire to learn something new about themselves or in someway find themselves through drama places heaps of pressure on me as their guide. Sometimes I want to shout out in class: JUST CHOOSE JESUS! But instead I say, “drop your shoulders, breathe…” How many breaths are they to take till they realize that no acting class can make them more beautiful than they already are. I know that most audiences watch actors so that they don’t feel so bad about themselves or so that they can see their lives on stage and laugh about it as they realize they ain’t so bad and the person sitting next to them empathizes just the same. I know that for audiences but actors. ACTORS? We’re supposed to be the most confident of the confident, the boldest of the boldest, not insecure bodies living out other people’s insecurities and hence finding our security in that. That’s backward!!!! Yet it happens. And here I am in class just wanting to tell these ladies that I can’t make them who they are; singers, actors, journalists… I can only give them the tools to become better at who they already are.
As I am pondering, I feel like God keeps nudging at my side and saying, “see”? See?…see your life? Lol, really God! You speak slang? No, but actually Miss Aganza, see your life. And Indeed I saw it. Grace. That word that we sing in songs, and give to our children for names or use in our work life to mean many different things. I’m coming to see it in a new way. There is nothing I can do to get God to love me. Just like there is nothing my students can do to get people to approve of them. The world’s standards will never be satisfied. If I tried to get God to love me, I couldn’t even begin. What would I do?
The bible calls it a mystery revealed to us. That all I have to do is believe. This week I say I saw my life because I realized how hard it is for me to believe. Just like my students find it hard to believe that they are their best selves now I find it hard to believe that God has actually got my back. So in my human workings, I pray for university tuition but I don’t pray for a nice walk to work. I pray for a car but I don’t pray for a safe boda boda ride. I pray for a friend but I don’t pray for God to help me with my relationships at work because I think that there are some things where I should be in control and not God. WHAT A LIE! No wonder Paul calls it a constant renewing of your mind. Whatever is good, lovely, praiseworthy, etc think on these things…and duh! DAILY! You wont have a eureka hour where you’ll start being all godly for the next something, something hours as if you’re playing “temple run” and you got an energy bar that will run for 30secs till you fall off the cliff again. NOOOO. God’s grace is enough. The thought is scary. Let go and let God! What did you just say LET GO!? Ya I did. The moment you even begin to consider what you’re letting go of is the moment you realize how much you’re holding on to and what you’re trying to control. So just like I tell my class, I tell myself now: Let go and breathe. Just breathe.